A fake drama “Star lover” gives me an actual moving and courage. .

“Star lover”
Hero: a man seems living simple in life, but actual living complex in heart. Tired and tremulous.
Heroin: a woman seems living complex in life, but actual living simple in heart. Brave and adamant.
The attraction between hearts is so purely. But pure heart is so easy beclouded by life.
Only when I face with baby and animal alone, I can relax myself. They also seem can feel me, like me to hug them.
Drama title is exaggerated, but the feeling in drama is so real. Saw the hero is just like seeing me.

I am a Chinese guy, now lonely stay in Singapore to study and work. Childhood was almost same as the hero, even more, only for I prevent the divorce in my six years old by standing on the balcony board to cry” you divorce, I jump off”. Everybody scared, nobody mention it anymore. What an irony, that my first thing since I remember.

Life continues, quarrel almost everyday, nothing changes. How to survive, only to learn forget and block the feeling of heart. Nine year old, last tear. Can’t feel anything any more, never be touched by anything. Like a performer but was acting in real life. Act as a poppet, protect the family.

Grow up, really forget the feeling, nothing impress me, I care of nothing, living confused and driftlessness. Love? Never feel. Fortunately, time can change everything, in my 28, family was finally stable. Without any thinking, I escaped to Singapore. Study and live alone. Why? Maybe I want to find something and think something.

In this first year in Singapore, living and thinking alone, want to see clearly myself and find my heart. Still can’t get any conclusion. Never saw a Korea drama, what’s a coincidence to see the drama. Actually I am not a man to watch love drama, but this fake drama touched my deeply hidden heart. Thank for the great show, I never think a fake drama can give me the real feeling of heart.

Now, I seems saw the path of my life. Not can’t feel, is dare not to feel; haven’t love, is my love too strong deeply hidden. Give up and ignore everything become habits, mistrust everything, only for protecting from more hurt. But now I realize that unavoidably I still need love, still want to give my heart to someone. Maybe only to find the one, life and soul can make sense.  

First time, can understand the hero, seems I am always doing the same thing in real life. Follow the drama, my heart seems go through an illusive world. Although the experience is fake. When I come back to the real world, heart still can feel warm. Maybe that warm is what I am looking for? Too long my heart can feel something. I lost the feeling in my nine years old, never dare to open and feel anything again.

Memory seems come back to tell me you have miss a lots. Strong sensitive feeling but pretend I am hardhearted and callous. I become really forget everything. Not that I can’t live with the status, with irony, I am pretty good in pretend to hide myself. But finally I want to live more clearly. Pay put my pure heart to someone, although maybe only one chance.

I am still tremulous and passive and extraordinary afraid of be hurt. What I am afraid most is my pure heart is be hurt, for surviving in childhood I protected it too early, that heart is still nine year old, only learn full pay. I can’t imagine that be hurt, that why I always avoid to pay out. With my too rational character, maybe I will negate everything, never open anymore. Old habit come back, analysis everything, not sure? Avoid, give up.  

The warm from the drama still exist. Although the hero’s luck is fake, the heroin’s courage is fake, it is only a drama. With this chance, now at least I have saw through my heart and have a view of my life. Don’t want to miss anymore. I have to admit that I cheat myself so long, that I need nothing. In deep heart, I really want someone can help me cross the line, save me from my heart cage. I want to pay out my pure heart to her. Only with that, life can be real.

In real life, the girl like heroin maybe impossible to find. I also can imagine how hard she will be. I myself am too hard to cross the line. Hidden is too deep. Only when I make sure what her heart is, I will pay my heart. Bit by bit. She will pay more to wait my response until I can cross the line to pay my full pure heart. That’s very unfair and hurt her. Sorry for that, I really have no way out now. Even she get my heart for so hard, Does my heart worth it? Will she be happy? Life meaning can be agreed?

Uncertain factors are still so much. But at least now I can look forward to that, I am not confused and deny everything anymore. At least I have courage to show some of my heart, hope someone can feel that, not hide everything anymore. At least, I can give myself a chance. I don’t know if I am worth it, just don’t want miss anymore. Maybe I have enough lucky 

Life is so fantastic. I was often autocriticism to analysis myself why confused, but never got a conclusion, for I deny everything and can’t feel my heart. Even the moving is from a fake drama, my heart that never feels anything in real life feel something. Help me see through myself, what’s I am looking for always.

In real world, I can’t tell this to anyone, I can’t expose my weakness to anyone. But I need giving utterance to my mood, maybe hide behind the internet is the best way. Also I want to give myself a mark of thinking. Word record, you can’t forget anymore, remember the moving of this moment. Be seeing or not be saw is not a problem anymore.

Write so many, become a monologue of myself.   Why I write this? Why write it with poor English? Maybe I want to write to the fake heroin, Mary. Now the image of Mary is warming me. After finishing this word, I will come back to real world, will not come back again, will only to remember the decision and courage.

Come back to the emphasis  thank for Jiwoo, your comeliness and charm annotate the heroin to a perfect image. I am not a fan style, but I will support you for future. You give me the moving of heart, 20 years never feel anything since nine years old.  I never think stars, drama’s exist is necessary, now I hope. Human are very different, moving can occasion anywhere. Moving life is maybe the value of stars. You are a very competent actress. Also hope you be happy in real life.

Wish the beautiful soul and happiness always be around you! Jiwoo!



Will
2009/8/4  night

With another four Chinese word,  http://heart.love2009.blog.163.com/ together.  It’s over now.

Give a conclusion of my heart. Tell myself can’t forget anymore. No more deny. You have ability to pretend to whole world, but finally you still need one who knows you and you can pay your heart to. If you want live clearly. Soul and heart unavoidably need find the other part to make complete. Fighting and living in the world will become real. So when you died, your life can make some sense. That’s my view of life deeply hidden in my heart.  

Follow heart and be more courage.
Don’t miss anymore!